I don’t know

Having a bipolar friend is probably one the most frustrating things I’ve had to deal with currently.  It’s daily on the forefront of my mind.  When she’s high, we laugh and spend rewarding hours doing absolutely nothing together.  When she’s low, alarming things are told in confidence or I’m cut out completely.  She’s currently on a low and told me that her life is shit and she is not going to talk about it with me.  From the alarming things she’s said in the past, this makes my mind go in about 47 different directions and it goes something like this:

  • Does she even want to be my friend?
  • Has she backed herself into a corner that she’s too proud to admit to?
  • Has she been advised/told to not talk to me?
  • Should I talk about the good parts of my life?
  • Do I keep reaching out to her?
  • Do I stop reaching out to her?
  • Do I keep putting myself through this?
  • Why won’t she get help?

The hardest part to me is that (selfishly) I don’t get what I give.  I know it’s the disease and not her but I’m not immune to the repercussions.  There have been a lot of big moments in my life that were just pushed to the side or not allowed to be shared or celebrated like I had hoped.  If it’s my turn to be upset or frustrated at life, I get super annoying positive advice when all I really wanted was someone to listen which makes me turn and think I must be doing that to her.  I want to be checked on and cared about.  I want funny memes and nonsense everyday texts. I love her so much that it truly hurts that I’m not allowed in or I’m pushed to the side or dismissed so quickly.  I’m more involved in the lives of newer less significant (in comparison) friendships and it’s simply because I really want that female companionship!  I wish it would come from her but I’m just not getting it.

I just don’t know what to do.



Author: RudeWife

#rudewife I think the world really needs a blog from me.

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