MOB

Not mother of the bride.

I’m writing this at my work desk because I’m kind of hurt.  I work within a group of women in their late 40’s to late 50’s and I’m 33.  I’m fighting a weird hurt feelings vibe right now because 1) I’m the same generation as their daughters and I’m literally vying for their attention because I feel so left out around here and 2) I am being kept out.  Earlier, I overheard this woman whisper some remark about me interrupting their conversation.  They were talking so publicly and loudly that I didn’t really think it was a private conversation and I just wanted to join in and be a part of the group.  Instead of feeling welcomed in, I felt like ashamed and not unlike a child being excluded from the adult table.

I am teetering between feeling stupid for caring what these middle-aged women think about me and sending her a really mean anonymous postcard telling her she’s a mean old dried up bitch.

You’re welcome.

Bully

Yesterday, I had to confront my 80 year old grandmother about her bullsh**.

I can’t believe I just wrote that sentence or that it’s a real thing in an adult’s life. My life…

My paternal grandparents were never in the picture growing up and my maternal grandparents moved to another state a few weeks before I was born (I was born and raised in North Georgia) so they’ve never actively been in the picture either.  We would see them a couple of times every year, each visiting the other, but when they came to visit us, it was always only for a short weekend and the energy was that they had things back home that couldn’t be left unattended for more than 48 hours.

When we were old enough to go away without our parents, we would spend a week in the summer at my grandparents and we had a good time but as an adult looking back, I realized that my grandparents never took off work during that week and would drop us off at day camps or leave us home alone or with my teenage uncle (he was an unexpected later in life baby).  When my grandmother stopped working, she’d be home with us but she was more interested in the boys they fostered than engaging with her actual grandchildren.  I would spend my days playing outside, reading books or watching TV.  I was happy to do that. Unfortunately, I was often inappropriately left alone with one of the teenage boys she fostered whom my sister and I DESPISED because he was so perverted and creepy.  His presence made our skin crawl.  I won’t go into detail but if I did, you would wholeheartedly agree and believe it.  He once ran up a $300 satellite bill from ordering porno while he slept on our couch… and this was in the 90’s! I thank God he never took advantage of any of us.

When my grandfather retired they moved further away from us to be with their obvious favorite son who had a ranch.  They lived in the middle of absolutely nowhere- seven hours away- and eventually realized that a recently divorced man in his late 40’s is not going to spend his days, nights and weekends with his aging parents.  My grandfather admitted that they had made a mistake and wished they could move back home to Georgia for the last years of their lives.  They put their house on the market but he died of a heart attack before he could see that come true and it broke our hearts.  All of the granddaughters together realized we had all been Papa’s girls.  Our grandmother even remarked at his funeral that she knew we were especially sad because he was obviously our favorite over her.  We grieved him deeply but also knew that his dream of being home in Georgia still needed to happen for our grandmother’s health and care.

She moved back to Georgia over a year ago and after the first few months of her grieving over the loss of her husband slowly diminished, her old habits started rearing their ugly heads.  We grew up hearing a few bad stories from my mom about how horrible my grandparents had been when she was a child.  We also heard so many people say that my grandpa was a changed man the instant he held his first grandchild.

I just realized there is a gaping absence of anything to that effect being said about my grandmother.

My generation in the family had heard the horror stories from our parents but let the record show that we said, “She’s an elderly woman now.  It’s our responsibility to take care of her!  Regardless of what she’s done in the past to you, we love her and believe she belongs home with us.”

Jesus.

SKIPPERS START HERE.  Since she’s been back, she has showcased her true colors very strongly.  As things have happened, slowly my mom and her siblings have let stories trickle out from their childhoods that mirror her current behavior.  Stories of a narcissistic manipulative woman who would probably talk shit behind Billy Graham’s back if she’d ever met him.  Lies, using money as a weapon, successfully pitting family members against one another and the straw that broke the camel’s back, talking shit about her granddaughter (ME) because she had to wait FIVE MINUTES as I rushed off from work to pick her up from a doctor’s appointment. She had lied and told multiple people that our entire family should be ashamed of how we treat her and that I had made her wait for an extremely long time.

I called her and confronted her with hearing about this from more than person.  She said they were lying.  I asked her why that group of people would all agree to tell the same lie.  Only she and I were present that day, how could they even know what to lie about?  Then, she burst into tears and accused me and the rest of our family of never loving her.  I told her to stop with that crap because we obviously loved her.  We’ve all tried our best to help her out but we also have jobs and lives we have to take care of and can’t always match her timeline. I felt used and like a pawn. I told her it had broken my heart that my only grandmother would talk badly about me behind my back and I was not going to tolerate it.  I told her I did not call to upset her but came to her in love to acknowledge I was aware of what she’d done and I was not going to let it fester and talk badly about HER behind HER back.  I tried to wish her a good day but she had already hung up on me.

Guys, I felt like a HUGE jerk all day long.  I’m not a perfect person but I do wish I could love like God loves us.  I failed.

Here’s the thing, though… I also felt like the huge elephant in the room was told, “NO MORE PEANUTS” and could feel the fresh air as the beast began taking very slow steps out of the door I had just opened.

For my entire life, I have been witness to my grandmother talking horribly about other people.  Calling people fat, ugly, trash and even called her own sister pure evil.  I had immaturely laughed about it, though.  I only saw her a few times a year and it didn’t matter.  Oh, my grandma is such a trip!  Crazy old lady!  You stop laughing when it starts involving you. Being a pretty responsibly adult, I realized how awful and NOT NORMAL it is for your grandmother to be such a nasty person.  I saw areas where it had trickled down into my mother’s life, into my sister’s life and into my own life and I will not stand for it.

Even if you’re an 80 year old bully.

I don’t know

Having a bipolar friend is probably one the most frustrating things I’ve had to deal with currently.  It’s daily on the forefront of my mind.  When she’s high, we laugh and spend rewarding hours doing absolutely nothing together.  When she’s low, alarming things are told in confidence or I’m cut out completely.  She’s currently on a low and told me that her life is shit and she is not going to talk about it with me.  From the alarming things she’s said in the past, this makes my mind go in about 47 different directions and it goes something like this:

  • Does she even want to be my friend?
  • Has she backed herself into a corner that she’s too proud to admit to?
  • Has she been advised/told to not talk to me?
  • Should I talk about the good parts of my life?
  • Do I keep reaching out to her?
  • Do I stop reaching out to her?
  • Do I keep putting myself through this?
  • Why won’t she get help?

The hardest part to me is that (selfishly) I don’t get what I give.  I know it’s the disease and not her but I’m not immune to the repercussions.  There have been a lot of big moments in my life that were just pushed to the side or not allowed to be shared or celebrated like I had hoped.  If it’s my turn to be upset or frustrated at life, I get super annoying positive advice when all I really wanted was someone to listen which makes me turn and think I must be doing that to her.  I want to be checked on and cared about.  I want funny memes and nonsense everyday texts. I love her so much that it truly hurts that I’m not allowed in or I’m pushed to the side or dismissed so quickly.  I’m more involved in the lives of newer less significant (in comparison) friendships and it’s simply because I really want that female companionship!  I wish it would come from her but I’m just not getting it.

I just don’t know what to do.

 

 

Less Musings

Today, I realized I used some of my hard earned money to buy this blog that I never attend to.  Writing is an exercise so please excuse me for just coming here to get some reps in without immediately showing up as a perfectly in shape blogger at the first go.

This week for me has been about how do I want to grow?  My spring cleaning is kicking in and I want to have less things and more quality.  I’ve lost about seven pounds in the last two weeks just by eating 99% vegan on the weekdays.  I daily think about how I need to read more into my faith and focus more time on that instead of Instagram.  We almost bought 18 acres of land this week (right, I know?! WTH) but I think have settled into really giving our little cottage the hard work and love she deserves before leaving her behind. More than anything, I just want a routine, a schedule, an organized life.  It ALWAYS makes me a happier person.  Always.

A little inside joke I’ve had with my mom for years is how freakin’ excited I get over choosing and purchasing a new day planner.  I love the academic planners that run from Summer to Summer because Christmas is not the time to change over a planner, IMO.  Most of the time, it’s bought at Target while shopping together and I do a little ceremony with music and dance and she just rolls her eyes and laughs.  Y’all, I’ve even bought new planners within the year because I messed up some pages or the format all of a sudden isn’t working for me.  JUDGE NOT.  Other times when I’ve purchased one without her as my shopping buddy, I immediately text her with a picture of me hugging it and she remarks on how weird I am.  This coming from a lady that still keeps an enormous trapper keeper under her couch with multiple calendars, a mesh zipped pouch, spiral notebooks and checkbook ledger.  (OMG I even found it online… it’s exactly this one! It crazy)

Maybe I’ll do less musings and more creative things I’ve tried?  Maybe I’ll keep rambling, stay tuned!

Weird Week

I came back from a girls’ trip to the Bahamas a couple of weeks ago.  I have to say, it was a trip I desperately needed.  I (think I) was fun, I danced terribly and didn’t care and I actually thought a LOT about my life even though I was there to girl-power it up and celebrate my beautiful friend’s upcoming wedding.  I roomed with two girls I’d never met before and had the privilege to re-experience that tender feeling of getting to know a new incredible person from absolute scratch and HAVING to communicate with them daily – morning, noon and night.  I felt like there a fine-tuning spiritually because I sat back a lot and just really listened to these women and could hear what their spirits were saying… whether it was “I’m so happy with my life and I’m having a blast but I miss my home more than I thought I would!” or “I need to confide in someone and feel human connection desperately.” and even “I look like I have it all together but I’m normal like everyone else and I can be anxious and timid, too.”  It was so heart filling to laugh about the craziest things and be forced into incredibly awkward situations and still end up laughing and expanding your mind.

I say all of this to mean, I came back exhausted but also so refreshed. It was a hard reset on my mind, on my faith and just what I wanted and needed in my life.  I had mad jealousy at most of the girls who really took care of their bodies and their health and probably said out loud at least five times at how they inspired me to buck up and take better care of myself.

Husband and I have been saying for months that once I came back from this trip, we’d no longer use birth control and start working on making a baby.  And trolls, we use “organic” birth control so don’t come at me with how I need to be off the pill for so long.   I got this, mmkay?  So this week, being all revitalized from my trip but also feeling like a luscious hippo from the pina coladas and being married to an amazing chef, I asked Husband to join me in a reset on our health and spirituality and do a vegan/Daniel fast.  Immediately, I lost five pounds.  Like, I snapped and I pooped it all out or something. I also got extremely sick on Friday and after a doctor visit, I magically remembered the last time I did a Daniel fast and how I got so sick that I had to be on IV-fluids.  My doctor at that time told me to never do this fast again.  GEEZ-A-LEEZ.  So, we’re going to do a few days on and a few days off just so my body doesn’t try to shut down like it has so many times before. Any other immune disorder people out there?  It can be so frustrating.

Well, this post is ADD and boring but I’m writing so I’m not stopping.  Eat it.

Since the first day of our fast, Husband got moved within his company AGAIN much to his dismay, I got sick, huge family drama blip and we think we’ve decided to sell our house that we’ve almost been in for a year.  Lots. Of. Movement.

So, that’s why it’s a weird week.  I got to see my 64 year old dad take my 61 year old mom on a four-wheeler ride today though so there’s that to make us smile.

.SEND. 

#realitysetin

So I just watched Keiko Lynn‘s IG story (FTR:  I adore Keiko) and she’s hosting a Galentine’s Brunch.  At 1:30 PM.  On a Wednesday.  For 20 seconds, I was like “Who TF has the kind of life where they can attend that on a normal ol’ Wednesday at 1:30 PM?  I’m stuck here in my office forced to listen to the ONE radio station I can pick up in this bunker hole because the company won’t let us stream or give us wi-fi.  AND I’m drinking a Diet Coke that I had to get from the Krystal’s across the street!”

This inner monologue rant was abruptly stopped by the shudder that ran through my shoulders at the thought of a large group of women coming to spend the afternoon with me expecting brunch.  At 1:30 PM.  On a Wednesday.   I am such an introverted/rude person that I quickly guessed half of those women secretly hate Keiko and are using her to network or something in that vile neighborhood.

I choose to be grateful for the life/job security I have and the fact that I don’t have to put myself through the (to me) hell of a social event to stay relevant and fresh.

But seriously, I love Keiko.  No offense to her. I LOVE YOU KEIKO.  OK, I’m stopping.

2017 post. Late. Get over it.

On New Year’s Eve this year, Polite Husband and I laid on our respective couches and watched Stranger Things until like 11pm.  We didn’t even drink because I had thoughtfully scheduled dental work the Friday before and was on pain killers.  After climbing into bed and putting on some Frasier to fall asleep to, I started asking him some of these questions.  Although I have one of the sweetest and caring husbands, he was NOT into answering them and I had to admit to myself that men do not always like answering questions such as these in the same way most women LIVE to answer them.  So here goes my two blog followers!

What was the single best thing that happened this past year?

Buying our house.  I think I figured up that I’ve moved 13 times since the age of 19.  WHY

What was the single most challenging thing that happened?

Being newly married and being married to someone with an opposite work shift.

What was an unexpected joy this past year?

I didn’t expect to get the job I applied for within my company.  I moved to a new department and work with some great new people!

What was an unexpected obstacle?

Having to listen to God and cut out friendships that weren’t positive for me

Pick three words to describe this past year.

Educational, intense, quick

Pick three words your partner would use to describe your year—don’t ask them; guess based on how you think your spouse sees you.

Challenging, fruitful, over (inside joke)

Pick three words your partner would use to describe their year—again, without asking.

Challenging, confirming, blessed

What were the best books you read this year?

I am ashamed to admit that I maybe read one or two books that I don’t even truly remember.  I’m usually such an avid read that I’m a little ashamed of this answer.  boohoooo

Who were your most valuable relationships with?

Husband, sister, mother, BFF

What was your biggest personal change from January to December of this past year?

I think it was not being a turd of a person.  I cut/exchanged a lot of bad habits for less bad or better habits and I tried to think more before erupting.  Also, weight gain is a bitch.

In what way(s) did you grow emotionally?

I started investing more in the friendships that built me up and made me feel good about myself.  I stopped investing in people who kept me emotionally bankrupt.

In what way(s) did you grow spiritually?

I think I did better with inviting God into my everyday routine life instead of just when I needed help.  Eternally working on being better at this, though.

In what way(s) did you grow physically?

I gained weight in a way that all of a sudden, I was like “How did I go up a size overnight?”  Gross.

In what way(s) did you grow in your relationships with others?

No offense, but see above

What was the most enjoyable part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

I liked seeing that I can do almost anything if I truly try.  I enjoy faring for myself.

What was the most challenging part of your work (both professionally and at home)?

Being bored or not having the resources to do what I wish I could do

What was your single biggest time waster in your life this past year?

Instagram. 

What was the best way you used your time this past year?

Turning off all tvs, phones, etc and knitting, meditating, being present with my furbabes

What was biggest thing you learned this past year?

I can be a real big pain in the ass and it’s not always a treasure to share life with me. 

Create a phrase or statement that describes this past year for you.

You must the leading lady in your own life.